Friday, September 02, 2005

The Nation of New California

This came in today's e-mail:

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California
and we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country and we're taking the
other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware
that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota,
Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation
and especially to the people of the new country of New
California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and
entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make
the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower
than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of
happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro
choice and anti war and we're going to want all our
citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to
fight ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're
apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures
of their children's caskets coming home.

We wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs
turn up but we're not willing to spend our resources
in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control
of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of
the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh
fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve
French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90%
of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur
coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools including Harvard, Yale, Princeton and Columbia, as well as Stanford, Cal Tech, MIT, Northwestern, the University of Chicago, as well as Stuyvesant High School and the Bronx High School of Science.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of
all obese Americans and their projected health care
costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the
tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the
University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is
sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or
gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53%
that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy
bastards believe you are people with higher morals
then we lefties.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California.

P.S. Oh, yeah. We have most of the art museums and Nobel Prize winners, too.


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